Post by Farraige on Dec 4, 2015 2:06:00 GMT -6
I’ve talked about this a little before, but I have really intense social anxiety that makes it hard for me to reach out and get close to people. I’ll respond if people approach me first, but I tend to think that I’m intruding if I approach them. It’s become better over the past several years where friendships are concerned, especially when I meet them online or start off as colleagues and develop a close friendship afterward. But still, it’s more a case of me responding to overtures of friendship as opposed to me deliberately seeking people out. (Part of this comes from… a strong reaction to me trying too hard to be liked and accepted by people who really weren’t my kind of people when I was trying my utmost to fit into a “normal” mould, but it’s been years since I’ve felt much of that pressure in making friends.)
This improvement, however, does not apply to romantic relationships. I’d like to date people (I’m pretty sure I’m poly), but the idea of actively pursuing relationships makes me really tense and I tend to agonise over it a lot, for various reasons, mostly related to being autistic and worrying about social faux pas, or thinking I sound too formal or distant, or not being the idealised version of an attractive trans guy or non-binary person (I’m not thin or white, and think I tend to look awkward/dorky). I’ve been in two long-distance relationships in the past decade and I’m not with either of those people any more. It’s not as though anybody has asked me out in a long time, either, but I wonder if some of that is because a) I come across as distant, or b) I just don’t seem very interested in that kind of thing anyway, or c) maybe I just suck at this kind of thing.
… and I feel awkward making this post. Ugh. It’s probably a good thing that I’m seeing my therapist on Monday.
On top of that, there is a high chance that I might be a sub. This is something I’ve thought about for about *ten years* at the very least, but have mentioned it to very few people. I feel as though I need to have somebody there to exert some control, but in a healthy, organised way. I’m not really interested in the leather-and-bondage aspect of BDSM, but a relationship dynamic where there is some degree of consensual, negotiated power exchange and extrinsic motivation, and I play the submissive role.
This improvement, however, does not apply to romantic relationships. I’d like to date people (I’m pretty sure I’m poly), but the idea of actively pursuing relationships makes me really tense and I tend to agonise over it a lot, for various reasons, mostly related to being autistic and worrying about social faux pas, or thinking I sound too formal or distant, or not being the idealised version of an attractive trans guy or non-binary person (I’m not thin or white, and think I tend to look awkward/dorky). I’ve been in two long-distance relationships in the past decade and I’m not with either of those people any more. It’s not as though anybody has asked me out in a long time, either, but I wonder if some of that is because a) I come across as distant, or b) I just don’t seem very interested in that kind of thing anyway, or c) maybe I just suck at this kind of thing.
… and I feel awkward making this post. Ugh. It’s probably a good thing that I’m seeing my therapist on Monday.
On top of that, there is a high chance that I might be a sub. This is something I’ve thought about for about *ten years* at the very least, but have mentioned it to very few people. I feel as though I need to have somebody there to exert some control, but in a healthy, organised way. I’m not really interested in the leather-and-bondage aspect of BDSM, but a relationship dynamic where there is some degree of consensual, negotiated power exchange and extrinsic motivation, and I play the submissive role.