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Post by wieselein on Nov 29, 2015 22:24:43 GMT -6
So, I've come to the realization that if no one berates/criticizes/punishes me on a regular basis, I feel like I don't exist. And then I start wanting to do things that are fucking nuts, like having impulses to pick fist fights with my neighbor (who actually is kind of a bitch), or calling my ex and asking her to say something mean to me because she was always so GOOD at that. People started emotionally/verbally abusing me when I was about three (maybe younger?) and there has always been someone in my life who was happy to fill that role... until now. The only safe way I've found to get this need met is to have someone punish me (not necessarily physically) in a very structured way for things like being mean to myself. That works really well. But currently I am in a situation where there is no one physically present who is both willing to do that and who I trust to do that.
I know that feeling like you don't exist if people don't emotionally shit on you on a regular basis is fucked up and Not Ok and I am in therapy but it is not working fast enough. For me the constant threat of criticize is like normal pressure and right now I feel like I am in a vacuum and going to implode.
Suggestions, offers of sympathy, and vicious insults are all welcome.
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Post by Farraige on Nov 29, 2015 22:33:44 GMT -6
Is it kind of a trauma-based dominance/submission thing, where you need a specific social interaction, but in an organised and systematic way, as opposed to being actually surprising? I know I have some weird impulses from emotional abuse-related stuff, though it’s different (it feels like a tendency towards submission; I keep thinking that I should have somebody filling a dominant role in my life, though I’ve never had that).
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Post by wieselein on Nov 29, 2015 22:45:36 GMT -6
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it is. My choices appear to be 1. being around people who are actually mean to me or 2. having a Dom who punishes me for being mean to myself. GoodEx, who I dated for only about four months, was really good at that-- I had to put quarters in a jar if I apologized unnecessarily, for example. But that relationship ended, and I don't want to just jump in to another one when I am still processing two break-ups. And yes, it needs to happen in an unsurprising way and to be carried out calmly and (legitimately) with my best interests at heart-- if the person isn't actually invested in improving me, it doesn't work. And ideally, I need praise and cuddles afterward.
But if the nice way isn't happening, I try to get people to just be mean, because at least then I don't feel like I'm floating around in nothing and about to implode from lack of pressure. I either consciously or unconsciously provoke them, depending. Usually strangers on other people's Facebook comments; occasionally people I know.
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Post by Farraige on Nov 29, 2015 22:53:27 GMT -6
Yeah, it sounds like being in a healthy and organised relationship with a Dom (once you’ve recovered from the breakups) would be the ideal solution, because you’d *expect* it, and their goal would be to help you to move forward, not… well, just being a dick. ;____; But I can also understand why you’d feel the need to act out if your brain’s just so used to being hurt and abused and walked all over. It’s a difficult thing to process but I can empathise to some extent (but am not sure what to do about my own Thing - the idea of *looking* for partners, especially ones that may put me in a vulnerable situation, sets off all kinds of anxiety alarms).
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Post by Farraige on Nov 29, 2015 23:07:25 GMT -6
Realised this thread might be public, so I changed my handle here — it’s Irish for ‘sea’ or ‘ocean’.
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Post by Admin on Nov 29, 2015 23:47:20 GMT -6
Is there any way you could take literally any class? The structure and authority could help.
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Post by wieselein on Nov 30, 2015 12:57:40 GMT -6
I hadn't thought about that, but that's a really good idea. If I could find something that was both cheap enough and easy for me to get to, I would do it.
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Post by SpaceRaptor on Nov 30, 2015 17:37:19 GMT -6
I hadn't thought about that, but that's a really good idea. If I could find something that was both cheap enough and easy for me to get to, I would do it. There are some online courses you can take, some of which are free - I don't know if that would provide enough structure or if you need it face-to-face, though. |
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Post by Farraige on Nov 30, 2015 19:09:05 GMT -6
I think a class might be a good idea if you can do it online—Coursera, for example, is free.
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